DISCLAIMER: This is not a series dedicated to proving men shouldn’t cry, or to suggest ONLY women cry and are therefore inferior. The goal of this series is to dispel the pre-established (yet flawed) notion that being “manly” and being disconnected from your emotions go hand-in-hand. Even the most macho of men enjoy and even shed a tear at films, and the sooner we can admit that the sooner the concept that one sex is better than the other can go away. While the approach to these articles is one of light-hearted comedy, the emotional core is valid. While men might be more hesitant to admit it, movies often times have the potential to make us cry, for example:
“Holiday Movies”
As the weather turns warm (at least in the continent that I live in), it reminds me that we’re halfway to the colder months and the holiday season that accompanies it. Personally as a February baby I love the cold months, and as a lover of movies it’s even better. The networks and studios know that families have gathered together indoors, and what better distraction from the relatives you don’t like than for everyone to watch a movie after dinner? If the movie is about the holidays, even better.
Some holiday movies are designed to make us emotional. It’s a Wonderful Life for example, surprises no one in its ability to be sappy. I’m more interested in the comedies, the action films, stories that advertise a more light-hearted approach to festivities, and then rip the rug from under you. These films are deceptively deep and emotional, at least to me. Perhaps to you too.
Like Iron Man 3‘s grandfather in the family of action films occurring on Christmas but having nothing to do with it, Lethal Weapon is a man’s best friend during the holidays. “But it’s a Christmas movie!” you could whine, while trying to get out of watching A Christmas Story for the twelfth time that week. No matter how many heroin-dealing Vietnam vets that Riggs kills, it’s the emotional toll that hits the hardest.
Martin Riggs is always remembered as a loose cannon who is just so crazy that he’s the perfect detective to save suicidal jumpers, fight cocaine-slinging Christmas tree dealers, and foil the master plans of Gary Busey … um … yeah. But all that crazy isn’t mere bravado; Martin holds a gold medal in Tortured Hero Complex. He reveals to his brand new partner that he was killing people in Vietnam from age 18, and that it was the only genuine talent he’s ever had. That’s an incredibly messed up perspective to have to live with. But add on top of that his wife’s recent death, causing him to pick a shiny new hollowpoint 9mm bullet and load it into his gun every night with the full intent to off himself while Bugs Bunny sings Christmas carols in the background. Scratch the gold medal, this man is the saddest person on the face of the Earth … and on Christmas.
I don’t know why this film bothers me so much. Perhaps it’s because it’s about a divorced dad trying to raise a kid he doesn’t have full custody over, an experience much like most of my childhood. The movie has a weird rise and fall from comedy to bracing real-world depression that simultaneously addicts me and makes me cringe. Tim Allen picks up his kid for Christmas, and tries to cook him a dinner. First of all, even if Tim hadn’t burned the entire meal, it was going to be just Tim and the kid. No one else. That’s sad. But of course, Tim does to the meal what he did to basically everything on Tool Time and Denny’s is the backup plan. Surrounded by other divorced dads with equally mean disaster-related injuries, a grim picture is painted.
This is a world where dads are helpless both as parents and as human beings. They can’t keep their relationships together, they can’t even cook with fire like a civilized human being without almost dying, and they have no one else in their lives besides their once-every-other-weekend child. SERIOUSLY, WHY DID NONE OF THEM HAVE GIRLFRIENDS OR GET REMARRIED?!
(We had to wait for Santa Clause 2 for that one I guess)
3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Pushing aside the fact that real world Chevy Chase is the biggest A-hole in Hollywood, and Randy Quaid truly DOES think he was abducted by aliens, this is another classic beloved holiday tale. You know, the tale of an underappreciated dad who injures himself at every turn and can’t do anything right. WTF, HOLLYWOOD?! MEN ARE NOT IDIOTS!!!
Ahem. Anyways, A-hole Chase is surrounded by extended family who hates and mistreats him, kids who roll their eyes at him (somewhat warranted) and a boss that is so angry that he’s Bill Murray’s brother that he takes his aggression out on Chevy. And the only non-realistic part of the whole movie is that the boss agrees, after being kidnapped, to give him a huge bonus and not press charges. WHO DO I HAVE TO KIDNAP TO GET A BONUS?!
4. Bad Santa
Did you see this movie? I know I did, but I feel like not a lot of people did. Knew about it, sure, but didn’t see it. Billy Bob Thornton and a supporting cast show how horrible people are in general. Also something about a mall Santa. That’s all I could get out of it.
Billy bob pretends to be a mall Santa to gain night access to malls and rob them. Sounds horrible, and he’s the good guy! An overweight and slightly simple kid thinks Billy’s the real Santa, and the two form a bond. Billy uses it completely to his advantage, especially after finding out the kid lives with his senile Grandmother after mom died and dad went to prison for HOLLYWOOD I’M COMING DOWN THERE TO KICK YOUR ASS!!
The kid doesn’t know Billy is not only not Santa, but not a nice guy. This kid is an innocent, one step away from living on the street (yes he has a house, but he’s basically raising himself and he’s too young to do so). So when Billy yells at the kid and generally acts like someone named Billy Bob to him, the kid’s blank stare speaks volumes. It’s heartbreaking in what should be a comedy. The kid either doesn’t have the mental faculties to process the horror he lives in, or he does and his only response is to shut down.
I gotta go hug my kid now.
HOLLYWOOD, I HOPE YOU SAVED ROOM FOR MY FIST, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO RAM IT DOWN YOUR THROAT, INTO YOUR STOMACH, AND BREAK YOUR SPINE!
Yes, a dad who can’t do anything right has to fix mistakes constantly of his own making while competing with another dad who can’t do anything right, all the while a third divorced dad (cause men can’t keep relationships going) tries to steal the first dad’s wife. This is why I’m Jewish – Christmas sounds like the worst thing ever (seriously joking there…don’t tell Fox News).
Arnold is just trying to get a toy for his kid, after disappointing him as a father all year. He COULD have sat down with the kid and explained that why the toy is sold out, the dad will take the kid on a trip and spend time with him, which is probably more valuable than the toy anyways. He COULD have, but it’s better to destroy half the city and almost get arrested getting an action figure. Then at the end, after the mom is fully informed of the horrors that Arnold went through for their child, and also fully aware the neighbor dad was trying to steal her away, she has the gall to ask Arnold what he got her. I GOT YOU A MARRIAGE THAT HASN’T FALLEN APART, DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS. HOW’S THAT LITTLE MIRACLE?!
I think holiday movies might give me hypertension, we’re looking into it.
Like what you see? Secure enough in your masculinity for more? Check out more Guy Cry Cinema or watch Dan on No Right Answer, the weekly debate show that knows what’s really important: Pointlessly arguing about geek culture.
