Remaking old movies is a trend that’s been going on in Hollywood for years. Sometimes the new version is well worth watching, but in some cases, it’s not. That’s where these movies come in. Despite how good the original films were, the reboots are not only disappointing, they’re well-worth skipping entirely. These eight remakes are some of the most egregious examples.
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Halloween (2007)
Halloween was a landmark in the world of horror film, one that set the stage for countless movies that followed. That’s not the case with the Rob Zombie-directed remake. The 2007 film focused far more on the back story of Michael Myers, spending almost the first hour showing his childhood. This removed much of the mystery from the character, and at times felt like it was trying to justify his violent actions. The remainder of the film is a rushed rehash of the original that lacks its suspense and dramatic tension, mostly because it tries to explain the scary villain’s motivation, instead of just letting him be scary.
Conan the Barbarian (2011)
The original Conan the Barbarian launched Arnold Schwarzenegger to stardom, and I’m sure Jason Momoa was hoping from a similar outcome from the 2011 version. Unfortunately, the film was saddled with a script full of cliches, and seemed more focused on effects that would look good in 3D than on making a good movie. It wasn’t even so much that the movie was bad, just that it was so mediocre and easily forgettable due to its lack of anything resembling a compelling character.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
The remake of Planet of the Apes definitely improved on the makeup and costumes of the 1968 original, but it fell flat on most everything else. Mark Wahlberg’s performance was uninspired, and the ending was such a mess that it made audiences everywhere sit up and say, “What the hell just happened?” It’s a case lesson in leaving timeless films alone, no matter who you might get to direct a new version. Luckily, Tim Burton wasn’t inclined to make a sequel.
Psycho (1998)
This Gus Van Sant-produced film isn’t a reboot at all. Instead, it’s an almost shot-for-shot remake of Hitchcock’s 1960 classic, even going so far as to copy camera movements and editing techniques. Even so, it completely fails to capture the subtle personality that embodied the original, and Vince Vaughn is a flop trying to fill the shoes of Anthony Perkins. Throw in a performance that earned Anne Heche a Golden Raspberry nomination for worst actress, and you’ll realize that you’re far better off watching the original instead.
Poseidon (2006)
1972’s The Poseidon Adventure was not only commercially successful, it has also become a cult film in the years since. It’s unlikely that Poseidon will be as fortunate. The 2006 remake lacks one key ingredient that made its predecessor memorable: good characters. Whether it was Gene Hackman’s minister struggling with his faith while watching senseless deaths, or the former competitive swimmer who was married to a retired Jewish hardware store owner, The Poseidon Adventure had great characters, and great interaction between them. By contrast, Poseidon casts well-known actors in bland, meaningless roles that never connect with anyone, including the audience.
The Longest Yard (2005)
The 1974 version of The Longest Yard had plenty of pieces in place to make it work. It was a gritty sports comedy that featured a number of former professional football players and Burt Reynolds. But the 2005 remake loses almost all of that grittiness, falling victim to the worst of ailments: Adam Sandler. Forsaking the roster of football veterans for actors that are barely believable on the field, this remake not only misses the down and dirty feel of the original, it whiffs on the humor as well.
The Haunting (1999)
The 1963 version of The Haunting utilized a number of editing and cinematography tricks to help reinforce the terrifying nature of the film. The 1999 version cast those techniques aside, instead relying on special effects and CGI ghosts. Even worse, it employs a cast of quality actors, including Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and then shackles them to a script that no one could breathe life into. What made the 1963 classic so compelling was how it got its scares without ever showing the malevolent force that threatened the stars, and bringing the ghosts to life laid those scares to rest, permanently.
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