Let’s not talk about this week’s review, shall we? Let’s talk about Left 4 Dead 2. As you may already be aware, it’s been banned in Australia, which might seem like a distant and unimportant problem to you international readers, but Australia happens to be the land mass on which I currently live. And let me tell you, if there’s anything that might make me consider leaving the beaches behind and fleeing to that crumbling, syphilitic hell-hole across the water, it’s the videogame releases. We get them after everyone else, and half of them get banned because our country is being run by ignorant old bores who, between this and the planned compulsory internet filter, appear to be accidentally bumbling their way into creating an Orwellian nightmare state under the guise of “protecting the children.”
Well, it’s not technically been “banned.” It’s been “refused classification,” which is all the fun of a ban with none of the harsh monosyllablism. Australia doesn’t have an R18+ rating for videogames (neither do a lot of countries, incidentally, but they apparently have less oppressive ruling bodies), so any game that would otherwise need one is refused a rating by the Classifications Board, and therefore can’t be released. So why has Left 4 Dead 2 been given this treatment? Good question. Let’s find out.
“The game contains violence that is high in impact and is therefore unsuitable for persons aged under 18 years to play.”
– those selfless protectors of the innocent from the Australian Classifications Board
As opposed to the nice, gentle, relaxed violence you might share with your visiting aunt on a slow Sunday afternoon, I suppose. Is it worth repeating that the average gamer is in their 30’s and retailers are specifically required to not sell the game to minors? Probably not. If the constant repetition of it still hasn’t sunk into the dusty, spider-haunted minds of the government, I guess it never will.
“The game contains realistic, frenetic and unrelenting violence which is inflicted upon “the Infected” who are living humans infected with a rabies-like virus that causes them to act violently.”
– those kooky funsters from the ACB
They’re not living, they’re zombies. Just because “28 Days Later” had living, fast-running non-zombies doesn’t mean every zombie that can go at a fair old lick has to be living. I know that you yourselves have trouble moving quickly with your dried-out, corpse-like, old flesh, but don’t project your problems onto everyone else.
“[Melee] attacks cause copious amounts of blood spray and splatter, decapitations and limb dismemberments as well as locational damage where contact is made to the enemy which may reveal skeletal bits and gore.”
– those harumphing moral guardians from the ACB
Well, clearly the ACB feels that if a mob of rampaging murderers sprinted towards us roaring their insatiable lust for flesh from their yawning blood-spattered mouths, then we should respond by singing them to sleep or twanging elastic bands at their eyes. I feel it worth mentioning that an awful lot of other gory games have slipped by the arbitrary attentions of the Board, and while Fallout 3 was also refused classification, it was not because of the slow-motion cinematic wound systems in which brain matter and shards of broken mandible flutter in the breeze, but because the player could inject morphine for positive effect. I suppose we should be grateful they didn’t notice that some of the women had breasts.
“Projectile shots to infected humans can cause abdominal wounds which can reveal innards or even cause intestines to spill from the wounds.”
– those wannabe medical students from the ACB
Yes, well, we all have innards, ACB, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I bet even you lot have a few tucked away somewhere behind your 19th century three-piece suits that you have stitched onto your flesh to hide your shameful nudity.
“The player kills a very large amount of enemy characters to proceed through the game. Whilst no post-mortem damage can be inflicted, piles of bodies lay about the environment.”
– those obsessive janitors from the ACB
Oh, god forbid that post-mortem damage be inflicted. It’s perfectly rational to separate a limb bloodily from a torso with a single sweep of a machete while the owner is still alive and capable of raising an objection, but once you start hacking away at dead bodies, well, suddenly we’ve crossed a line. And I’d like to know what suggestions the ACB have for how to deal with all the bodies that may result from a zombie warzone. Perhaps you think they should sink into the ground and pop up a little tombstone, Worms-style, bearing the words “Trust Us, This Guy Was A Jerk.”
“The interactive nature of the game increases the overall impact of the frequent and intense depictions of violence. This, coupled with the graphic depictions of blood and gore, combine to create a playing impact which is high.”
– those hateful old bastards from the ACB
And you coupled with your flagrant defiance of common sense combine to create a cultural impact which is retarded. But there is an easy solution available to Valve, which worked for Carmageddon in the 90s back when it was having problems with the UK censors, and that’s to color the blood bright green and call the Infected “alien body snatchers,” perhaps giving them all little deeley-boppers to complete the effect. They may have already done this by the time this article goes out. But that’s besides the point.
The point is, this might not seem important to you foreigners with your fancy food and your crap beaches, but Australia is a warning. It shows the world just how easy it can be to suppress what you and your hoary minions disapprove of, by exploiting bureaucracy and waving the banner of “think of the children.” And even if the current authorities aren’t actually evil, but are genuinely motivated to protect the innocent through completely retarded and ineffectual methods, then what happens a few governments down the line, when the same power could be in the hands of literally anyone? (anyone with a lot of money and people skills, anyway).
How easy would it be to refuse classification to games that criticize the government? Or news programs depicting jackbooted police stomping on the faces of dissenters like they’re the Appalachian Trail? How soon before they can start refusing classification to human beings? We might as well just go whole hog and create “Logan’s Run.” At least then we’d all get laid.
Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn’t talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.
