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What happens in Goldshire, stays in Goldshire. (One hopes.)
For those of you lucky enough to have missed the life-sucking, relationship-destroying, productivity-eating parasite that is World of Warcraft, let me explain: Goldshire is a small village in the game where all the stupids and crazy people gather to run around naked and shout nonsense at each other. If you hear stories about someone finding a couple of players standing on a bed in their underpants typing poorly-spelled naughty words to each other in a pathetic effort to pretend to have in-game sex, then it’s probably something that happened in Goldshire.
I realize that pointing out how most of the ladies in an MMOG are actually guys might seem trite and unimaginative, but as an admitted male who’s spent more than his share of time running around the game with long hair and bouncy breasts I feel a certain responsibility to let newcomers know about this. I’m fully aware of the appeal of my milkshake, and I’m quite proud of that, but I want to encourage my fellow males to think before offering me the proverbial gryphon ride. This is a sort of public service announcement to all the creepy men who flirt with me because my in-game persona is a lady with curvy hips and a bare midriff. Doing so is unlikely to result in the sort of sex you’re interested in.
Some people just read too much into the whole male / female choice. For me it’s purely aesthetic. Sometimes I want to run around with a female avatar. It doesn’t mean I want to wear ladies’ underpants and kiss Matt Damon on the mouth. Some people play as Tauren, but that doesn’t mean they want to have sex with cows. Nobody accuses the people playing undead of being suicidal. When I play as a Dwarf nobody thinks I secretly want to be a four-foot alcoholic with enough facial hair to stuff a matress. It’s just variety. It’s a game. A game full of crazy men trying to have sex with my exceedingly hot avatar.
I’m sorry, but I’m just not that kind of girl.
Shamus Young is a programmer and writer by trade, videogame nitpicker by inclination. If you have the patience for more of his ramblings, they can be found at ShamusYoung.com.
