Apparently, there exists a stout craft beer out of Connecticut named Imperial Stout Troopers, coming from Woodbridge’s New England Brewing Company. To be fair, it has been around since 2006, which goes to show how much we pay attention to craft brews. But, with Star Wars Episode VII in full production, this got us thinking: Just what will the fine folks of the Empire and the Rebellion be tossing back at the cantinas across the galaxy? We have it on good authority that several members of both the Empire and Rebellion will be lending their names to their own brands to appease their imbibing fans.
Sit back and get your palate ready for some intriguing tastes from the resident alcohol aficionados here at The Escapist, and how we envision these fine tastes all in the spirit of good fun:
This Coruscant dry gin, produced with the blessing of the estate of long time Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, is produced with some of the best synthetic corn, rye, barley and wheat. Some “special” blends offer a hint of savorium as well, which makes for a rather enjoyable party drink. It will definitely keep the guests smiling and happy. The distillery was at one time at the heart of the Jedi Academy, and produced by initiates in their spare time as a tribute to their master. An unsubstantiated rumor says the distillery was destroyed when a young Anakin Skywalker trashed the Academy in a drunken rage after he failed to get a similar naming rights deal.
Yes, even the lord of the Sith has joined the Empire’s distilled spirits marketing campaign. This rum, created from one of the previously unknown distilleries on Tatooine, has a rather sweet flavor, with a strong biting aftertaste. The bottle is a highly sought collectors piece, since the liqueur is not being made any more. It is rumored this was an ill-advised attempt to soften Darth Maul’s image. The distillery was later shut down after a protracted battle cut production in half and profits dropped out of sight.
This Coruscant Sauvignon was the pride of the Empire, produced at the winery owned by Senator Palpatine. At one time, it was made from blends of the finest muja and blumfruit found in the galaxy, but after the ascension of Palpatine to Supreme Chancellor, the vintage took on a bit more of a bite, with a hint of coal or ash when served at room temperature — or during a lightning storm. Since the fall of the Emperor, the wine is now found in mostly outlying areas and popular especially among the Jawas. Palpatine’s winery continues, but is rumored to have moved off Coruscant to a hidden location, and run by the Hutts.
This light and aromatic zin, brought to you from the family of the charismatic Obi-Wan Kenobi, is a delicious blend of meiloorun and blumfruit. It is best served chilled after a dinner occasion. It has a long storied heritage, and is incredibly popular with women, with Padme Amidala having been a spokesperson for it at one time before her untimely death. One popular holo-ad for the spirit has Leia Organa throwing a dinner party when she finds out her friends failed to bring any wine. She is then seen talking to an R2 unit, sending the message “Help me Obi-wan Zinobi, you’re my only hope.”
The Tarkin family were distillers long before son Wilhuff Tarkin decided to join the military. Upon his promotion to Grand Moff, the family came out with a limited edition vodka that was advertised to have “a taste of fear,” the families inside joke and slap on the back for Wilhuff’s Tarkin Doctrine. Unfortunately, the Tarkin family failed to distill enough “fear” for the special run of the spirit, and it was abruptly phased out upon the destruction of the Death Star. Rumors say that only a few hundred bottles still exist, but the fear has reportedly fermented, making the spirit no longer palatable.
What better spirit for a vintage protocol droid than a golden Pinot Grigio? After being instrumental in the overthrow of the Emperor, C3PO was retired and became a sommelier, developing his own blend of wine. Sadly, robots have no taste buds, so it isn’t fit for consumption by biological races. It is highly popular among sentient droids, however, as an internal lubricant, or those with a Data complex seeking to display more human characteristics using alcoholic props.
Sad Wookiee Whiskey has a proud heritage among the large wookiees on the forest world of Kashyyyk. A planetary recipe for thousands of years, it is made from grains found only on Kashyyyk and aged in casks made of indigenous wroshyr wood. When the wookiees were enslaved by the empire, an attempt was made to create Sad Wookiee Whiskey off world, but with disastrous results. Parasitic drochs infested the simulated cask wood, causing the spread of the Death Seed plague and millions of deaths. After it came to light that it was a knock-off whiskey and not real Kashyyyk blend, the Empire quietly stopped the process and let Kashyyyk’s distilleries proceed unimpeded, aside from a heavy tax.
A little known fact is that, in the purported record-setting Kessel Run “in under 12 parsecs” by the Millennium Falcon, pilot Han Solo wasn’t smuggling glitterstim spice, but was instead delivering the first shipment of his new Han Stoli vodka to the only distributor that had agreed to carry it. Much to the distributor’s delight — and Solo’s — the shipment sold out quickly and became a hit among smugglers and rebels alike. Of course, Solo’s first endorsement payments were co-opted by Jabba the Hutt to pay some debts before Solo put a stop to the process during a disturbance at the Mos Eisley cantina on Tatooine.
Renowned Jedi Master Yoda refused to imbibe alcohol, feeling it corrupted The Force and interfered with one’s abilities to effectively use a lightsaber. In an effort to set a good example for Jedi younglings, he did lend his name to a brand of tonic water that became incredibly popular as a drink mixer. Apparently, there was a secret ingredient in the water, an herb called nysillin, or sillum in slang form. It was found that this healing herb, in the right quantity, would counter the effects of alcohol. Once the ingredient became known, Yoda is reported to have said with a wink: “In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.”
So what spirits would you envision from Star Wars, and who would be the spokesperson? Sound off in the comments below. And have fun with it.
